Some Christmas Jokes


What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!

What will you suffer from if you eat the decorations?
Tinselitis

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

Did you hear about the man and wife in bed on Christmas night? They hear a noise above them and she says "Is that rain, dear?"

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What do you call a bunch of grand masters showing off in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Dickens Christmas Carol - interesting words and phrases


1. Bedight - Adorned (and bedight with Christmas holly stuck into the top.)
2. Norfolk Biffins - Red apples ( there were Norfolk Biffins, squat and swarthy, setting off the yellow of the oranges and lemons,)
3. Smoking Bishop - form of mulled wine (we will discuss your affairs this very afternoon, over a Christmas bowl of smoking bishop, Bob!)
4. Total abstinence principle - a phrase commonly associated with teetotaling, ie never drinking any alcohol or "spirits" - it's a pun (He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards;)
5. Apoplectic opulence - apoplexy involves becoming unconscious or incapicaitated. Her eit is due to opulence, wealth or luxury (tumbling out into the street in their apoplectic opulence)
6. Retire to Bedlam -  Bedlam was a well known lunatic asylum in London where you would spend yoour final years if you were insane (There's another fellow, my clerk with fifteen shillings a week, and a wife and family, talking about a merry Christmas; I'll retire to Bedlam.)
7. Counting house - an office or building in which the accounts and money of a person or company were kept (eg on Christmas Eve - old Scrooge sat busy in his counting-house)
8. Comforter -  a woollen scarf (eg Wherefore the clerk put on his white comforter, and tried to warm himself at the candle)
9. Forfeits - this is a parrlour game where a piece of clothing or some personal belonging is put into a pile on the flooR and can only be redeemed by doing something silly, as decided by a judge. (After a while they played at forfeits; for it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child himself.)
10 The word scrooge originally meant to squeeze.