Jokes new to this blog but not new

1. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing – it was on the house
2. How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas? She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.
3. What do you call a blind reindeer? No-eye deer.
4. What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs? Still no-eye deer.
5. How did Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed.
6. I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
7. The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.
8. I got a universal remote control for Christmas. This changes everything.
9. I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
10. The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

(Did you know that Santa actually only had two reindeer? Rudolph and Olive (the other reindeer))

Christmas One Liners

I wondered why the snowman was looking through the sack of carrots. Turns out he was picking his nose!

There are only 24 letters in the Christmas alphabet. There’s no L!

Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

What goes "oh oh oh"?

Santa walking backwards.

Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.

My wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put FIFA on and played in snowy conditions.

What's black and white and red all over? Santa covered with chimney soot.

Even More Christmas Jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ’ho ho ho’!

What’s the first thing Santa’s little helpers learn in school?

The elf-abet

Bob Phillips speaks of the three stages of man at Christmas:

1. You believe in Father Christmas

2. You don't believe in Father Christmas

3. You are Father Christmas

Christmas really is a magical time of year. We just watched all our money magically disappear.

What did the ewe say to her lambs for Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do dogs say for Christmas?

Fleas Navidad.

What’s the difference between knights and reindeer?

You see knights slaying dragons and you see reindeer draggin sleighs.

Some Topical Christmas Jokes 2020

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate

3. Why did Mary and Joseph travel to Bethlehem by donkey ? All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 as like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you. (Oh yes it is, oh no it isn't)

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat

15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute 18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook

19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford

20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery

(These jokes were compiled by TV Channel Gold)

Some More Christmas Jokes

Why are Christmas trees so poor at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles.

I heard of a man one Christmas who swallowed tinsel.

He began to suffer from tinselitus.

Give me another name for Santa's little helpers.

Subordinate clauses.

What do you call a naughty boy at Christmas?

A rebel without a Claus.

What about the lorry that came over from Germany carrying Christmas cake last year and was parked up near the M25?
It was stollen

Some Christmas Jokes

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia!

What will you suffer from if you eat the decorations?

Tinselitis

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

Did you hear about the man and wife in bed on Christmas night? They hear a noise above them and she says "Is that rain, dear?"

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

What do you call a bunch of grand masters showing off in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!